It's snowing out today.  I love it when it snows.  Everyone talks about spring being the new beginning and new life and all of that, but I see a new snow fall as a clean slate as well.  I always find it funny when people use weather and seasons symbolically, but I do it myself.  I think maybe because it's universal, and something we can all relate to. 

My mom is in the hospital, but she seems to be doing better.  It is a scary thing when one has to face the vulnerability that comes with having a sick parent.  I think that I saw her as a super hero type, and it was hard to accept her as human, and broken, and weak, and needy.

I strive to be all of these things to all of these people and I consistently find myself falling short of the line.  I guess that's where God's love and grace come in...  I will always fall short, and I cannot bridge the gap on my own.  Letting go is still very scary though...   

Kaeden is doing wonderfully.  He is such a riot.  He started giving kisses this week and it is the sweetest thing ever.  If you kiss his cheek then he will kiss yours, well by kiss I mean suck on, but he's trying and it is so cute. 

emotions
fears
tensions
all pounding in my brain
giving me a headache
which matches nicely
with the heartache

the decor of my world
all shades of grey
I held the brush
they led the way

my one spot of colour
a reason to live for
gave me strength when I had none
to walk out that door

one stroke at a time
how a masterpiece is made
with the brush in my hand
this time I want the say

This isn't meant to be good, just meant to help take the headache away...which it did a little
The place is such a mess...  Some of that is my fault.  I stopped caring just before the explosion.  Most of it is his.  I just want to get back in there and start cleaning.  It's my therapy...  A symbolic way for me to start putting things back in the right place, while getting rid of the dirt and filth.
There is still so much that lies ahead...I just have to keep reminding myself that I am finally moving in the right direction.  For the first time in a long time, I don't choke when I sing, "In all I do, I honour You."

comfort:  1  anything that makes trouble or sorrow easier to bear.  2  freedom from pain or hardship: ease: a feeling of being well and contented.  3  a person or thing that makes life easier or takes away hardship.

comfort zone

war zone

Interesting that these can be one and the same. 

Dr. Phil says that if you always do what you have always done then you are going to get what you have always gotten.  But isn't that sometimes the point?  Seeking the comfort of knowing exactly what to expect? 

Tonight, I realized a pattern in Andy's behavior.  Whenever things are going good, whenever we are getting along, whenever there is peace he picks a fight.  I don't know why it took me so long to realize that conflict and anger and fighting is all a part of his comfort zone.  It is what he has always known...and we are most comfortable with what we have always known.  It is not always the thing that we want, but it is what is easiest for us to fall into.  

So what does this mean about my comfort zones?  I choose to stay...  I choose to fight....  I play a role in this messed up saga too...   

Reading "The Dream Giver"

He says that it is impossible to achieve our dreams without breaking out of our comfort zones.

Some days I remember to dream

Some days I don't have the strength

Fear

I know that is what keeps me in my comfort zones

FEAR

Fear that stems from a lack of trust and a lack of faith

What scares me more than having to face my comfort zones

I will have a huge impact on Kaeden's

I don't want conflict to be all that he knows

I don't want that to be what he seeks

What he needs to feel okay

I need strength

A lot of grace

even more faith

and some help in learning how to trust

Kaeden turned one month old on saturday, and tomorrow he will be 5 weeks.  Time seems to be running through my finger tips faster than I can grab it.

On the day he was born I remember holding him in the hospital bed, watching him sleep, and thinking that I couldn't possibly love him any more than I did at that moment and yet I do. I love watching him. It's been so amazing to see his personality start to show. He's such a sweet soul. He has started to smile and I just want to look at him all day so that I don't miss one moment of him. There have been so bad days along with the good. Some days where I just don't think that I am being what or who he needs. Some days when it feels a little hard to cope with the dynamics of my new life. The good days make it all worth it though.